An old couple's sitting in the living room. The wife turns to her husband and says, "Let's go upstairs and fuck." He looks back and tells her, "I don't know if I can do both."
Three girls died and went before the pearly gates where St. Peter and his angel stopped them. St. Peter said: "Before entering heaven you must answer a simple question - have you been a good girl?"
The first girl replied: "Oh yes. I was a virgin before I got married and was still a virgin even after I got married." "Very good", said St.Peter, "Angel, give this girl... the golden key"
The second girl answered: "Oh, quite good. I was a virgin before I got married but not after." "Also very good", said St.Peter, "Angel, for this girl give her the silver key"
Finally St. Peter turns to the third girl and asks: "Have you been a good girl?" She answered: "Oh no, not at all. I practically screwed every guy I met, before, and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime, any position.
"Hmmm... I see", said St.Peter, "Angel, give this girl my room key!"
A lady's sick of her husband's drinking, so she decides to teach him a lesson. She dresses up like Satan, and when her husband walks in from being out all night, she jumps out from behind the sofa and screams.
The guy looks at her and says, "You don't scare me. I'm married to your sister."
