Why were there only two pallbearers at the homeless guy's funeral?
There are only two handles on a garbage can.
A priest gets a flat tire fixed.
As the car's coming down on the lift, the priest says to the mechanic, "Are the lug nuts tight?"
The mechanic says, "Tight as a nun's cunt."
The priest says, "You better give them another turn."
A baby polar bear goes to his mama and asks: "Am I a real polar bear?"
His mama assures him: "Of course you are. You're my son and we live in the north pole."
Then the baby bear goes to his father and asks: "Dad, am I a real polar bear?"
His dad tells him: "Yes you are son. You have big paws and you're white just like me. Why do you ask?"
"Cause I'm fuckin' freezing."
What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law, but a great lawyer knows the judge.