Hired a 19 year-old Danish girl with huge tits to babysit.
Now where the fuck am I going to get some kids?
What do you call a guy who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you the flavor?
A smartass!
Girl texts: "If you're sleeping, send your dreams ... if you're laughing, send your smile."
Boyfriend texts back: "Taking a shit... Please advise."
What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law, but a great lawyer knows the judge.