Is Delivery Included?

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

(With thanks to the great Henny Youngman.)

Jerk off with hand sanitizer... do you still wash your hands when you're done? (Just askin' for a friend)

Dwarf to doctor: You're pretty busy. You treat dwarfs?

Doc: Yeah but you'll have to be a little patient.

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.