Is Delivery Included?

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

(With thanks to the great Henny Youngman.)

Mom giving advice to her daughter: "If a boy touches your boobies say 'don't' and if he touches your pussy say 'stop.'

Daughter's reply: "oh mom, I already know that. And last night my boyfriend touched both so I said 'don’t stop!'

What would you call a guy who jerks off during an earthquake?

Focused.

What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?

As soon as you see it coming you know someone is going to lose a trailer.