My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
(With thanks to the great Henny Youngman.)
Mom giving advice to her daughter: "If a boy touches your boobies say 'don't' and if he touches your pussy say 'stop.'
Daughter's reply: "oh mom, I already know that. And last night my boyfriend touched both so I said 'don’t stop!'
What would you call a guy who jerks off during an earthquake?
Focused.
What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?
As soon as you see it coming you know someone is going to lose a trailer.