The masochist begs: "Beat me, beat me."
The sadist smiles and says: "Nooooo!"
If my son farts or has his hands down his pants, my wife smiles and says, “Like father, like son!”
Yesterday we caught him screwing the neighbor, but for some reason it wasn’t so funny when I said it.
A drunk calls the police, and says, "They stole my dashboard, they stole my steering wheel, they stole my brake pedal, they even stole my gas pedal..."
Then, before the cops can ask where he is, he says, "Hey, never mind, I'm in the back seat."
Why were there only two pallbearers at the homeless guy's funeral?
There are only two handles on a garbage can.
