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I told my pal: "I got a brand new digital hearing aid, $10,000!" "What kind is it?" he asked.

"Six-thirty."

What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?

We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.

What... you didn't see that coming?

A guy stops in to the drugstore with his wife to buy condoms. "Do you want a bag?", the cashier asks.

"No", the guy says, "she's not that ugly!"

And that's when the fight started...

Old Dick is always willing to help a guy score with a great pickup line. Here's one you can try:

"I'd like to point out that 'beautiful' has 'u' in it. But, 'quickie' has u & i together."

You're welcome.