If you keep a baseball bat in your car, also keep a glove.
Your lawyer will thank you.
You know why you should never drink diet soda during oral sex?
Because that way you'll have two after-tastes to get rid of.
One night my wife asked me to take out the garbage.
I told her: "You cooked it, you take it out."
And that's when the fight started...
Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.
