This is an old one, and perhaps a bit over the top, but really funny!
Your stock went down!
Why doesn't Chelsea have any brothers and sisters?
Monica swallowed them.
Easy, inexpensive way to get rid of weeds: Put 2 cups of Epsom salt and a 1/4 cup of dish soap in a gallon of vinegar. Shake well.
Then tell your family you're going to mix it in their food if they don't get off their lazy asses and go outside and yank up the goddamned crabgrass.
I quit my job at the helium gas factory.
I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
