A drunk calls the police, and says, "They stole my dashboard, they stole my steering wheel, they stole my brake pedal, they even stole my gas pedal..."
Then, before the cops can ask where he is, he says, "Hey, never mind, I'm in the back seat."
A guy and his wife are out for a drive in the country. They pass a field where they see a bull mount six cows in a row, one after the other. The wife remarks: "Too bad you can't perform like that."
The husband replies: "I could... if I get to change cows every time!"