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Hold On There Little Fella

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A midget whips out his two-foot dick.

The whore he's with says, "Oh, no, you ain't putting that thing in me. I'll kiss it."

"Fuck you" he tells her. "I can do that myself."

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Because that way you'll have two after-tastes to get rid of.

My Favorite Pastime

I've got a new hobby -- collecting empty bottles.

Sounds a lot better than "I'm an alcoholic."

In The Spirit of Giving

The local United Way discovers that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. So a local volunteer calls him and says, "Even though your annual income is well over a million dollars, our research shows you've never made a donation to our organization. Would you like to give back to the community through The United Way?"

The lawyer says, "First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?" The rep says, "No."

The lawyer says, "Second, did your research show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?" The rep says, "No."

The lawyer says, "And finally, did your research show that my sister's husband died in a terrible car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?" The rep says, "I had no idea."

So the lawyer says: "Think about it. If I wouldn't give to any of them, why the hell would I give to you!"