Bring Out The Tape Measure

Why are dicks like fish?

You throw the small ones back, you keep the medium ones and you mount the big ones.

What'd the hockey player get on his SAT's?

Drool.

Whats the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

Working in the garage this morning my wife barges in nagging about not showing her any respect. She demands I recognize her life has value too.

So I pick her up, give her a big hug and dump her in the recycle bin.

And that's when the fight started...