Bring Out The Tape Measure

Why are dicks like fish?

You throw the small ones back, you keep the medium ones and you mount the big ones.

My dick is so big, I have to call it Mr. Dick in front of company.

Guy walks into a bar with a big bruise in the middle of his forehead. The bartender asks: "What happened?"

The guy tells him: "I was fucking my wife doggy style and she ran under the house."

Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven?

Because if they all went, it would be called hell.