Bring Out The Tape Measure

Why are dicks like fish?

You throw the small ones back, you keep the medium ones and you mount the big ones.

How do they say "fuck you" in Hollywood?

Trust me.

What did the guy say to his dick when he saw the girl he was about to fuck had genital warts?

"Hang on, boy! It's gonna be a bumpy ride!"

A nurse walks in and says, "Doc, what are you doing?"

He says, "I'm writing a prescription."

She says, "But you're holding your thermometer."

He says, "Jesus Christ, some asshole has my pen."