Why do men name their dicks?
They don't want ninety-five per cent of their decisions made by a total stranger.
How are nail polish and panties the same?
They both come off with a little alcohol.
I turned my whole life around.
I used to be depressed and miserable. Now I'm miserable and depressed.
Three Boy Scouts, a lawyer, a priest & a pilot are in a plane that's about to crash.
The pilot says: "Well, we only have three parachutes, let's give them to the three Boy Scouts. They are young and have their whole lives in front of them."
The lawyer says: "Fuck the Boy Scouts!"
The priest says: "Do we have time?"