A Snap Diagnosis

Guy goes to psychiatrist wearing only saran wrap.

The doc tells him: "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?

Call her and tell her.

Why'd the guy text his wife a picture of his limp dick?

Wanted to let her know he was thinking about her.

I asked my wife what she'd do if I won the lottery. She told me she'd take half and leave me.

So I told her: "Great! I won 10 bucks on a scratch-off this morning. Here's your five, now get the fuck out."

And that's when the fight started...