Who's the world's greatest athlete?
The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.
We were getting ready in the bathroom together when my wife started putting her deodorant on. Thinking she was being cute she asked: "What's strong enough for a man but made for a woman?"
I told her: "The back of my hand."
And that's when the fight started...
How can you tell if your wife's dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
A guy visits his doctor. He walks in with a banana stuck in one ear, a carrot in the other and a french fry up his nose.
He says, "Doc, I feel terrible."
The doc says, "You're just not eating right."
