Who's the world's greatest athlete?
The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.
Here's a math question. If you get into bed 9 hours before you have to wake up, and your wife wants to have 2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get?
Answer: 8 hours, 57 minutes - who cares what she wants!
What do you call a guy who expects to get laid on the second date?
Slow.
Why is Santa Claus always so happy?
Because he knows where all the naughty girls live
