A husband comes home from work one night and his wife asks him if he could fix the washing machine. He looked at her and said: "What do I look like, the Maytag repair man?" Then he grabbed a beer and plopped down on the couch.
The next night he came home from work and his wife asked him if he could fix the car. He looked at her again and said: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" And to the couch he went, beer in hand.
On the third night he gets home and the wife tells him: "Honey, you know that nice Mr. Johnson next door? Well today he came by and fixed the washing machine. Then he checked out the car, did a little work on that, and now it's running perfectly."
The husband rolls his eyes and says: "Great. How much did that cost?"
The wife says: "Nothing really. He said he'd do it all if I baked him a cake or gave him a blowjob."
The husband asked: "So what kind of cake did you bake him?"
And the wife shot back: "What do I lool like, Betty Crocker?"
Two young boys at school were discussing their parents, when one realized he really knew very little about his mom. Arriving home that evening, he gave his mom the third degree.
"How old are you, mom?" he asked. "None of your business," replied his mother. "Okay, then how much do you weigh?" "That's not your business either, young man." The boy thinks a minute, then delivers his final bombshell. "Well then, tell me why you and dad got divorced?" Shocked... mom sends junior to bed without any supper.
The next day, the kid reports his failure to his schoolmate. "I have the solution!" says his buddy, "Just look at her driver's license in her purse. It'll tell you everything you want to know."
Later that day, mom finds her son going through her purse with her driver's license in his hand. "Just what do you think you are doing now?" she screams.
"Well, you wouldn't answer any of my questions yesterday," says the junior detective, "so my friend told me all the answers would be right here on your license. See, you're 40 years old... you weigh 145 pounds... and daddy divorced you 'cause you got an 'F' in Sex."
