One day the boss calls in the vice-president. "We're downsizing. We have to lay off either Jack or Barbara."
The VP tells him, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I'm not sure what to do."
The next morning the VP is waiting and Barbara is the first to arrive. He tells her, "Barbara, I've got a problem. I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?"
Barbara quickly responds, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."
A guy is just miserable. So he decides to cheer himself up and get a pet. At the pet store the owner takes him in to the back and shows him a toothless hamster.
The guy looks at it and says: "That's the ugliest thing I ever saw."
The store owner says: "Maybe so, but it will give you the best blowjob you ever had."
So the guy tries it and it's fantastic. He buys the hamster and heads home.
When he gets there his wife sees the ugly little creature and says: "What the hell is that?"
The guy says: "Never mind. Just teach it to cook and then get the fuck out."