Beggars Can't Be Choosers

What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?

You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

I just joined a brand new 13-step treatment program. I'm still on step 1 - becoming an alcoholic.

What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches.

A blind guy in Macy's has his seeing-eye dog by the tail and is twirling it over his head.

A salesman walks up and asks: "Can I help you?"

The blind guy replies: "Nah. I'm just looking around."