I have a a real problem with sex and booze...
Every time I have sex, my girlfriend boos.
Dick's Advice: Best way to avoid an alcohol-related accident? Get so fucked up you can't find your car.
If a guy and a girl need a marriage license what do lesbians need?
A liquor license.
A woman at the Pearly Gates asks St. Peter, "Is my husband here? My name is Johnson." St. Peter says, "Well, that's not enough information."
She says, "OK... his name is Dick Johnson and he told me that after he died, if I was ever unfaithful, he'd roll over in his grave."
St. Peter says, "Oh .. you mean Pinwheel Johnson!"
