Why is sex like Microsoft Windows?
For everyone who pays for it, there are hundreds getting it free.
Who's the world's greatest athlete?
The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.
What gets longer when you pull it, fits between the breasts, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked?
A seat belt.
I was talking to my wife about what might happen after I died. I told her: Promise me one thing... that 6 months after I die you'll marry Bernie." She said: "I thought you hated Bernie."
"I do"
And that's when the fight started...
