Chip Off The Old Block

Toilet seat falls on kid's dick, runs to mom: Kiss it, make it better.

Mom: Every day more like your dad.

What do you call a teenager who doesn't masturbate?

A liar.

Bartender to pirate: Why the paper towel sticking out of your hat?

Pirate: Arrgh, Got a bounty on me head.

A guy bends his wife over the kitchen table and fucks her in the ass. When he's finished he asks: "Did you like that?"

She tells him: "I'd have liked it a lot more if the kids were done eating."