Not A Total Loss

Guy gets home from work on the day the stock market tumbled looking visibly upset. His wife asks: "Honey, what's the matter?"

He tells her: "I can't believe I lost half my money and I still have you."

And that's when the fight started...

So I went to the doctor for a physical and he told me I should stop jerking off. I asked him why should I stop?

He told me: "Because you're at a physical."

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?

A wet nose.

Why shouldn't you cut suppositories in half?

They're supposed to be shoved up your ass whole.