What do you call a 350-pound stripper?
Broke.
What does a Rubik's Cube and a dick have in common?
The more you play with it the harder it gets.
A doctor told his patient her test results came back and she had a rare disease with only 6 months to live.
"That's such a short amount of time." the woman begged, "Isn't there anything I can do?"
"Marry a lawyer," the doctor told her. "It will be the longest six months of your life."
A guy was organizing his cards for Valentine's Day and realized he made a huge mistake!
"For fucks sake, what a mess to sort out. I can't believe I've mixed their Valentine's Day cards up.
The girlfriend now thinks I love her and the wife thinks I want to fuck her."
