What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden?
Seizure Salad.
What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law, but a great lawyer knows the judge.
Girl texts: "If you're sleeping, send your dreams ... if you're laughing, send your smile."
Boyfriend texts back: "Taking a shit... Please advise."
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...
...so, I took her to a gas station.
And that's when the fight started...
