Going Downtown

When do you know you've been married too long?

The only reason you go down on it is because it doesn't talk back.

Last year, I bought my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

This year I didn't buy her anything..

When my wife asked me why I didn't buy her mother a gift this year I told her "Hey, she never used the gift I bought her last year!"

And that's when the fight started...

What's the difference between a girl who spits and a girl who swallows?

A wedding ring.

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

(With thanks to the great Henny Youngman.)