How do you know when you are getting old?
When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
One day at lunch her friend remarked: "So... your husband drowned and left you two million dollars. Wow! Two million dollars, and he couldn't even read or write."
"Yeah" the widow replied, "And he couldn't swim either."
I turned my whole life around.
I used to be depressed and miserable. Now I'm miserable and depressed.
My wife asked me to get her a watch for her birthday.
I told her, "What for...there's a clock on the stove!"
And that's when the fight started...
