How do you get five hundred cows in a barn?
Put up a "Bingo" sign.
A guy in a bar stands up & says, "All lawyers are assholes." Another guy stands up & says "Hey...I resent that..." The first guy says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"
The second guy says, "No. I'm an asshole."
Maid: "I want a raise. I fuck better than you."
Wife: "My husband said that?"
"No, all the landscapers."
A doctor told his patient her test results came back and she had a rare disease with only 6 months to live.
"That's such a short amount of time." the woman begged, "Isn't there anything I can do?"
"Marry a lawyer," the doctor told her. "It will be the longest six months of your life."
