Bill and Ted, decide they want to go out and get wasted, but after counting all their money, they realise they only have about ten bucks between them. So Ted gets an idea. They head over to a local butcher and Ted tells Bill to wait outside. Ted comes out a few minutes later with a foot long sausage. Bill reminds his buddy they want to get wasted, not eat.
Ted assures him not to worry, "We'll hit a bar and drink them dry. Then, when we're ready to leave, I'll have the sausage in my pants, and you start sucking on it. They won't even think about asking for money." Sure enough, after a bunch of drinks at the first bar, Bill goes down on Ted and the bouncer immediately kicks them out. Ted tells Bill, "See, I told you this would work. Let's hit another." This goes on for 3 more bars.
As they are about to stumble into the next one, Bill turns to Ted and says, "Hey... Can I have the sausage this time? My neck is killing me." Ted replies, "What sausage? I got hungry 2 bars back."
Johnson is out golfing and gets a hole-in-one on the very first hole. Then, he gets another hole-in-one on the second hole. Suddenly his cell phone rings. When he answers a voice says, "This is Memorial Hospital. Your wife has been in a terrible car accident. You need to come at once." Johnson figures, "Let me play one more hole ..."
Well, the next hole he gets an eagle. Now he's all excited, so keeps playing. Turns out he has his best round ever... breaks the club record. Everybody's congratulating him at the clubhouse when... oops... he suddenly remembers about his wife. So he races to the parking lot, jumps in his car and speeds off to the hospital. When he gets there he runs down the hallway where a doctor grabs him by the arm and says, "You piece of shit. You played golf while we worked on your poor wife? Well, she's a vegetable now... and it looks like you're going to have to feed her and change her diapers for the rest of your life. Your golf days are over buddy."
Johnson breaks down crying and says, "My God, Doc. I feel like such a lowdown scumbag. What the hell's wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "Hey. I was only fucking with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"
