I bet my wife she couldn't piss me off and make me happy at the same time.
"No problem" was her reply, "Your dick is a lot bigger than your brother's."
And that's when the fight started...
My dick's so big it was overthrown by a military coup. It's now known as the Democratic Republic of My Dick.
How do you know if a hippie's been staying at your house?
He's still there.
Easy, inexpensive way to get rid of weeds: Put 2 cups of Epsom salt and a 1/4 cup of dish soap in a gallon of vinegar. Shake well.
Then tell your family you're going to mix it in their food if they don't get off their lazy asses and go outside and yank up the goddamned crabgrass.