Pinnochio tells his Dad that whenever he has sex with a girl, she complains about the splinters. His father gives him a piece of sand paper and tells him to rub his dick with it before sex and it should solve the problem.
A few days later, his father asks: "How are things going with the girls?" Pinocchio tells him: "Girls... who needs girls?"
Johnson took his latest invention, a computerized crystal ball, to his banker hoping to get a business loan. The banker was skeptical, so Johnson said to give it a try.
The banker typed "Where's my father?" and instantly the reply came back "Fishing in Michigan."
The banker said "I knew this thing wouldn't work. My father's been dead for twenty years."
Johnson begged him "No.wait. Try asking in a different way."
So the banker tried "Where's my mother's husband?"
And bang the answer came back: "Your mother's husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout."
