What does a woman's asshole do when she has an orgasm?
He's probably home watching football or something.
Your wife & your lawyer are drowning, so you have to choose. What do you do: go to lunch or catch a movie?
My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
(With thanks to the great Henny Youngman.)
Bartender to pirate: Why the paper towel sticking out of your hat?
Pirate: Arrgh, Got a bounty on me head.