Doesn't Always Take Two

What does a woman's asshole do when she has an orgasm?

He's probably home watching football or something.

Your wife & your lawyer are drowning, so you have to choose. What do you do: go to lunch or catch a movie?

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

(With thanks to the great Henny Youngman.)

Bartender to pirate: Why the paper towel sticking out of your hat?

Pirate: Arrgh, Got a bounty on me head.