A nun came to her Mother Superior and asked her to hear confession. "Today Father Johnson told me I had the gates of Heaven between my legs, and that he had the Key to Heaven. Then he opened my gates with his key."
"That bastard!" said Mother Superior. "He told me it was Gabriel's trumpet, and I've been blowing it."
A guy was walking around the office Christmas party belting down drink after drink. Each time he took a shot he reached into his shirt pocket, pulled something out, took a look, then stuck it back in his pocket. Finally, a friend walks up to him and asks: "Hey man. I've been watching you all night. What do you keep checking in your pocket?"
"That's a picture of my wife."
"So why do you keep looking at it?"
"Because," he replied: "When she finally starts looking good, then it's time to go home."