Why do women wear black underwear?
They're in mourning for the stiff they buried the night before.
A guy is at the funeral home viewing his wife's coffin with a sad look on his face. His friend walks up to comfort him and says: "Don't worry Harry, you'll meet another woman."
"I know," Harry replied, "but what am I going to do tonight?"
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit!
A guy at the bar orders two drinks. He downs one, then pours the other on his left hand.
The bartender asks: "Hey mister... what're you doin'?" "
"Getting my date drunk."