Why do women wear black underwear?
They're in mourning for the stiff they buried the night before.
What should you do if your sister-in-law sits on your glasses & breaks them?
Take them off next time.
A nurse walks in and says, "Doc, what are you doing?"
He says, "I'm writing a prescription."
She says, "But you're holding your thermometer."
He says, "Jesus Christ, some asshole has my pen."
I asked my grandma if she had ever tried 69.
She said, "No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night."
