What's six inches long, two inches wide and drives every woman wild?
A hundred dollar bill!
What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?
Forty-five pounds.
How are blondes like computers?
You never appreciate them until they go down on you.
I asked my wife what she'd do if I won the lottery. She told me she'd take half and leave me.
So I told her: "Great! I won 10 bucks on a scratch-off this morning. Here's your five, now get the fuck out."
And that's when the fight started...
