Put It On My Bill

Duck walks into a whorehouse, asks the madame: "If I pick out 1 of your whores will you put it on my bill?"

My girlfriend's dad asked me what I do.

Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.

What is the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste. Ewww...

What do lesbians cook for dinner?

They don't cook... they eat out.