I Have One Question

Jerk off with hand sanitizer... do you still wash your hands when you're done? (Just askin' for a friend)

Grandpa always told me don’t watch your money watch your health. So one day, while I'm watching my health, someone stole my money.

It was grandpa.

My wife suggested: "Let’s go out and have some fun tonight!"

So I told her: "Sure... but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on."

And that's when the fight started...

What does it mean when your wife is lying in bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.