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Dick's Joke of the Day

Mental Health

I turned my whole life around.

I used to be depressed and miserable. Now I'm miserable and depressed.

Female Erection

What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out?

A lesbian with a hard-on.

Don't Need A Pen

What's the job application at Hooters?

They just hand you a bra and say: "Here, fill this out."

Sex Tape

My wife wanted to be a little adventurous. She told me she was up for making a sex tape.

I said, "Great, we should hold auditions for your part."

And that's when the fight started...

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She Loves That Puppet

How do Cinderella and Pinnochio make love?

She sits on his face and he tells lies.

Gold Digger

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, showed up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocked everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hung over Bob's arm and listened intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they cornered him to ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replied, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They are now even more knocked out. So now they ask 'How the hell did you persuade that fox to marry you?" "I lied about my age," Bob replied. "What, did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiled and said, "No, I told her I was 90."

Wardrobe Selection

Gal to salesman: "Should I buy a sweatshirt or a windbreaker?"

"Depends. You gonna sweat or break wind?"