Deal Me In

Little Johnny walks in on his parents having sex and asks, "What are you doing?" His father says, "We're playing cards, and your mother is my wild card."

A week later, Little Johnny walks in on his father masturbating. He asks, "What are you doing?" His father says, "I'm playing cards." "Where's your wild card?" Johnny asks.

His father replies, "Son, you don't need one when you've got a good hand."

Not The Best Choice

Why do men name their dicks?

They don't want ninety-five per cent of their decisions made by a total stranger.

Still Not My Type Of Girl

What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?

Forty-five pounds.

A Simple Request

Last night I smiled at my wife and asked: "Honey, will you do something with your mouth that all men love?" She smiled back coyly and said: "And what is that, darling?"

I said: "Close it!"

And that's when the fight started...