Little Johnny's parents got divorced. One night Little Johnny walked past his mother's bedroom, the door was open, and he sees his mother lying on her back playing with herself, saying "I need a man... I need a man..."
A few nights later he walks past her bedroom again, the door's open, and he sees his mother with a man on top of her.
Little Johnny runs to his room, jumps on his bed, pulls down his pants and starts playing with himself, saying, "I need a bike... I need a bike... "
Two guys are in a doctor's waiting room. The first guy asks, "Why're you here?" The second guy says, "Endoscopy. He's going down my throat with a camera. Why're you here?"
The first guy replies, "Camera up the ass." The second guy remarks, "Oh, a colonoscopy?"
The first guy tells him, "Nah. My old lady caught me taking pictures of the neighbor's wife sunbathing naked."
Why did God create Adam before he created Eve?
Because He didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.
Wife to her husband in frustration: "Get the fuck out." Then, as he's leaving, she adds, "I hope you die a slow painful death."
He turns back to her and says, "So now you want me to stay?"
And that's when the REAL fight started...