A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe; she fakes it with Ken.
Put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together... what do you have?
100 people who don't do dick.
Two old ladies are sitting on the park bench feeding the pigeons. Suddenly the first one says to her friend: "Did you just fart?"
Her friend answers: "Of course I did. You think I always smell like this?"
My wife was in labor with our first kid and she's cursing and screaming at me the whole time.
I told her: "Hey, don't blame me. I wanted to stick it in your ass but you said, 'No, that'll hurt.'"
And that's when the fight started...