A woman is checking out in the grocery line. She places one apple, a small ready-made salad, a frozen dinner, and a pint of ice cream on the conveyor.
The guy ringing everything up smiles at her and says: "I'll bet your single." The woman looks back and asks: "How did you know, by my choice of food?."
The guy replies: "No, 'cause you're ugly."
I've found that most younger women make a lot of noise in the bedroom.
Guess they're not expecting to see anyone outside their window.
I turned my whole life around.
I used to be depressed and miserable. Now I'm miserable and depressed.
I came home one evening and my wife was in the kitchen crying.
She told me she had baked me a pie and the dog ate it.
I told her: "Don't cry honey. I'll buy you another dog."
And that's when the fight started.