A laugh a day. It's not hard. Seriously.

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Dick's Joke of the Day

Wife's Lament

One Friday afternoon two women are sitting on the front porch. The first woman says, "Here comes my husband with a bunch of flowers. That means I'll be on my back with my legs in the air all weekend."

The other woman asks, "Why, don't you have a vase?"

Rabbi And The Priest

What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest?

A rabbi cuts them off; A priest sucks them off.

A Woman's Place Is In The Kitchen

Why do brides wear white?

The dishwasher should match the refrigerator and the stove.

Everything Has A Purpose

My wife and I were talking anatomy. She asked if I agreed that the body is a wonderful, perfect machine. I told her a woman's body has one purpose. She asked what?

I told her life support for her pussy.

And that's when the fight started...

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And The Moral of the Story Is...

One day the teacher asked the class to think of a story that has a moral that the class could learn something from. Little Suzy raised her hand to go first. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs in a basket, then put it in the back of the truck to drive to town and sell. One Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and landed on the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched." Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

Next up was Little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, but he could only grab a case of beer, a machine gun and his survival knife. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. He end up landing right in the middle of 100 enemy soldiers. So he pulled out his machine gun and managed to shoot 60 of them until he ran out of ammo! Then he pulled out his survival knife and killed 30 more. But the blade snapped off, so he had to kill the last ten with his bare hands."

The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. "Well," Little Johnny replied, "Don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

Musings From George Burns

1st you forget names, then faces. Next it's pulling your zipper up, And finally you forget to pull it down.

Wipe Nair On, Wipe Hair Off

How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist?

A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.