A big, fat farmer is walking down a dirt road in the rain with his big, fat wife when he suddenly gets horny. He pulls his wife down to the ground, lifts up her dress, and starts fucking her.
After a minute, he says, "Elsie, is it in you, or is it in the mud?" She says, "It's in the mud."
He reaches down, and fiddles around a bit. Then he says, "Now is it in you, or is it in the mud?" She says, "It's in me."
He says, "Put it back in the mud."
Pinnochio tells his Dad that whenever he has sex with a girl, she complains about the splinters. His father gives him a piece of sand paper and tells him to rub his dick with it before sex and it should solve the problem.
A few days later, his father asks: "How are things going with the girls?" Pinocchio tells him: "Girls... who needs girls?"
What's a man's idea of a balanced diet?
A beer in each hand.
My wife was curious. She asked: "When do married men stop jerking off?"
I told her: "When they get divorced."
And that's when the fight started...