A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis.
Her mom said: "You should have asked me last night... it was on the tip of my tongue."
A nun walks into a liquor store and says, "Give me a pint of brandy." The guy says, "Sister, I've never sold alcohol to a nun." She says, "It's for the Mother Superior, she's constipated."
So he sells it to her. Later that night, he walks out, and there's the nun on the stoop, with the empty bottle, drunk as a skunk, singing and laughing. He says, "Sister, for shame. You told me the bottle was for the Mother Superior's constipation."
The nun says, "It is. She's constipated, and when she sees me, she's gonna shit."
I was furious when I found our joint checking account was empty. When I confronted my wife all she said was, "It's my turn." "What do you mean, your turn?" I shot back.
"In bed," she told me, "you've been making early withdrawals for years. Now... it's my turn."
And that's when the fight started...