A nun came to her Mother Superior and asked her to hear confession. "Today Father Johnson told me I had the gates of Heaven between my legs, and that he had the Key to Heaven. Then he opened my gates with his key."
"That bastard!" said Mother Superior. "He told me it was Gabriel's trumpet, and I've been blowing it."
A hooker visits her doctor and asks him to put a hole in her hip.
The doc asks, "Why?"
The hooker tells him, "So I can do a little work on the side."
Got home to find a man in bed with my wife. "Who said you could sleep with my wife?"
He said, "Everybody."
My wife came out of the shower, winked at me and said, "I shaved my pussy! You know what that means?"
I said, "Yeah the fucking drain is clogged again."
And that's when the fight started...