A guy pulls up to a little girl playing on the sidewalk and says, "Hey, little girl, want a lollipop?"
The girls says "My mommy told me not to take candy from strangers. But if you give me twenty bucks, I'll suck your dick."
Here's how you can get the kids home for Thanksgiving.
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "The kids will be coming for Thanksgiving and the'll be paying their own way."
I was furious when I found our joint checking account was empty. When I confronted my wife all she said was, "It's my turn." "What do you mean, your turn?" I shot back.
"In bed," she told me, "you've been making early withdrawals for years. Now... it's my turn."
And that's when the fight started...