Shoulda Used A Towel

My girlfriend caught me drying my dick with the hair dryer. She asked: "What are you doing?"

Apparently "Heating up your dinner." wasn't the right answer.

There's No Substitute

I hate it when a girl tries to offer me a lame consolation prize. 'Cause girls will say things like: "Oh, we're not going to have sex, but I'll give you a hand job."

Hey! Newsflash: I have hands... they have the job... the position is filled... I don't need to outsource the work... alright? If you got a pussy for the job, we can talk -- 'cause I am always hiring.

Great Inventors In History

Teacher: Who knows the inventor of the car air conditioner?

Little Johnny: 3 Jewish guys. Hi, Norm and Max.

The Time Is Now

Wife: "Will you love me when I'm old and fat?"

Husband: "I do."

And that's when the fight started...