Wife walks into the kitchen and finds her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asks. "Hunting flies," he tells her.
"Oh, kill any?" She asked. "Yep, three males, two females," was his reply. Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"
"Easy," he says. "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
A guy gets a job as a salesman at a dildo store. First day a brunette walks in and asks: "How much for the black dildo?" He tells her: "$50 for the black one, $50 for the white one." She leaves without buying anything. Then a redhead walks in and asks him: "How much for the white dildo?" He replies" "$50 for the white one, $50 for the black one." She doesn't buy anything either.
Finally a blonde walks in and asks him" "How much for a dildo?" He answers: "$50 for a black one, $50 for a white one." Then she points and asks: "How much for the plaid one on the shelf behind you?" He says" "Oh that's a very special one, that's $250." She buys it.
At closing, the manager asks the guy: "So how much did you sell today?" The man tells him: "No dildos. But I did sell your old thermos for $250."
How come during sex it's OK to say, 'Who's your daddy?,' but it's not OK to say, 'I love you, mommy'?
Husband: "What would you like for your anniversary, Sylvia?"
Wife: "A divorce, Bernie."
Husband: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
And that's when the fight started...