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Dick's Joke of the Day

An Incident In The Waiting Room

An old man walked into a doctor's office to find a crowded waiting room. When he approached the front desk the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, how may we help you?"

"There's something wrong with my penis," he said out loud.

The receptionist became irritated and admonished the old guy, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say such things in that fashion."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he answered.

"Because" replied the receptionist. "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of strangers. You should have been more delicate and said somehting like 'there's something wrong with my ear.' Then you could have discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

"Ah... I see." said the old man. Then he proceeded to walk out of the office. waited several minutes and returned. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked "Yes?"

This time the old man stated "There's something wrong with my ear". The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the old man replied!!!

Up And Down

One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex. The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops. “What are you doing, Mommy?” The mother, too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex, makes up an answer. “Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”

The little girl looks at mom and says, “Well, mommy you're really wasting your time.” The mother is confused so she asks, “Why do you say that sweetheart?”

The little girl answers, “Because mommy, when you leave for work in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”

All Alone On Thanksgiving

It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone. The next day, her mother called to see how everything went.

“Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey!” said the daughter.

“Did it not taste good?” her mother asked.

“I don’t know,” the blonde said. “It wouldn’t sit still!”

Mowing The Lawn

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the bike, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.."

And that's when the fight started...

Don't Miss These Jokes!

Not Quite A Dozen Roses

My wife and I went to counseling to improve our marriage. While attending one session dealing with communication, the counselor instructed: "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

Looking at me she said: "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

I looked over, touched my wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"

And that's when the fight started...

No Rest For This Piece

A guy walks into a whorehouse looking for some action. He goes up to the madame and asks,"Hey, can I get a piece from one of your fine ladies?"

"Sorry sir," the madame responds, "but, we're all full." "Aw, please." he begs, "I'm super horny and I really need some poontang!"

The madame thinks for a moment then answers, "Well, there is one girl left but when you go meet her you have to wear this black condom." "Whatever," the guy shrugs and runs upstairs.

A few hours later he comes back down and says, "Wow, that was great. She didn't even make any noise. But why did I have to wear the black condom?"

The madame answered, "Out of respect for the dead."

Needs More Duct Tape

What's the best thing about duct tape?

It turns, "No! No!," into "Mmm! Mmm!"