How It Really Happened

An 80-year-old man was having his annual physical when his doctor asked him how he was feeling. "Doc," he bragged, I’ve never been better! I've got plenty of dough for retirement and I’ve got a 20-year-old bride who’s pregnant and having my baby! Pretty good, right?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So there he was in the woods, when suddenly a grizzly bear appeared right in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?"

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No." The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead right there on the spot." "That’s impossible!" the old guy argued. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That’s exactly what I’m getting at..." replied the doctor.

One of Life's Lessons

Before you have sex you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress by yourself.

The moral: In life, no one helps you once you're fucked.

One Day Down At The Head Shop

Why are roach clips called roach clips?

Because "pot holder" was already taken.

It Takes Two

I asked my wife what she thought my two greatest assets were?

She said: "A closed mouth and an open wallet."

And that's when the fight started...