As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife. She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh." The husband sadly turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"
One day two boys were walking through the woods when they came upon some rabbit shit. The first boy asked his friend: "What's that?"
"'They're smart pills," his friend told him. "Eat one and it'll make you smarter." So the boy popped one in his mouth and said: "Yech. This tastes like shit."
"See," said his friend, "you're getting smarter already."
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden?
Seizure Salad.
On our honeymoon night I asked my bride, "Honey... am I the first?"
She replied, "Why does everybody ask that?"
And that's when the fight started...