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Dick's Joke of the Day

Doctor's Recommendation

A doctor is meeting with a husband after examining his wife. The doctor tells him: "Your wife's diagnosis is uncertain. She either has Aids or she has Alzheimers."

The husband asks: "What should I do, doc?"

The doctor advises him: "Drive her five miles outside of town and drop her off. If she finds her way home, don't fuck her."

Do You Speak English?

A guy is screwing his girl friend in the park one night and they get caught by the local cop. A homeless guy who was living in the bushes was the only witness. On the day in court the couple plead not guilty so the bum has to testify. When asked what he saw he tells the judge: "They was fuckin'!"

The judge quickly admonishes him: "Sir, we don't like to use that kind of foul language in court. Try to describe what you saw in a nicer way or I will have to hold you in contempt!" The homeless guys tries again: "But your honor, they WAS fuckin'!"

"That's disrespect and contempt" said the judge and sentences him to two days in jail! Two days later he calls the homeless man back to the stand and oncee again asks: "What did you see this couple doing on the night in question?" The homeless guy repeats his statement: "I already told you, your Honor, they was fuckin'."

The judge slams down his gavel: "There's that WORD again. Now you get three days in jail!" And the poor guy is dragged off one more time. Three days pass and the homeless guy is back in front of the judge. "I'm going to give you just one more chance. Tell me what those two were doing that night! And do it without any more foul language!"

The bum thinks about it for a minute and finally says: "Your Honor, his pants were below his knees, his ass was flyin' in the breeze, his you-know-what was you-know-where, and if that ain't fuckin' you can gimme the chair."

Keep On Dreaming This Thanksgiving

What's a Turkeys favorite song?

"I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas"

Never Too Old To Learn

Lying in bed watching TV with the wife I kept switching back and forth between a fishing channel and a porn channel.

So my wife grabbed the remote and barked: "For Christ's sake, leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish."

And that's when the fight started...

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There's a Secret To It

A guy really wants to fuck his wife in the ass. But no matter what he tries she always says no. So he goes to a sex therapist for some advice. The therapist says, "There's one sure-fire solution to your problem. There's a very special herb that only grows in the Amazon. It's very hard to find, but if you go there and find it, it'll be well worth it, because it'll solve your problem."

So for ten years the guy visits the Amazon. Each year the journey is fraught with danger, including being caught by cannibals and almost dying of malaria. Finally, after years of searching, he finds the herb and brings it back to the doctor. The doc tells him: "Leave it with me, and I'll prepare it. Come back tomorrow."

The next day when he returns the doctor hands him a little bottle filled with a mysterious green liquid. The guys asks: "Okay, how do I use it, Doc?"

The doctor says, "It's easy. You put the bottle on your wife's night stand. Then you say, 'Honey, would you grab that little bottle for me?' And when she turns around and bends over to grab it, boom!, you fuck her in the ass."

We Have A Runner

Why did the woman cross the road?

Never mind that, what the fuck is she doing out of the kitchen?

The Doctor Will See You Now

The receptionist calls the doctor into the waiting room in a panic: "Doctor, the patient you just treated died on his way out the door. What should I do?"

The doctor says, "Turn him around so it looks like he died on the way in."