A laugh a day. It's not hard. Seriously.

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Dick's Joke of the Day

Pirate Walks Into A Bar

Bartender to pirate: Why the paper towel sticking out of your hat?

Pirate: Arrgh, Got a bounty on me head.

When It Rains It Pours

Why is a pussy like the weather?

Because once it's wet, you know it's time to go inside.

Not Your Typical Over The Counter Medicine

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked right up to the pharmacist, looked him straight in the eye, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Women Are Emotional

My wife told me I should be more affectionate.

So I told her I got a girlfriend.

And that's when the fight started...

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Ol' Grandpa At It Again

Last Christmas grandpa surprised eveyone and made snow angels.

He skidded on the ice and took out three pedestrians.

Boring!

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.  

I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me up all night!"

And that's when the fight started...

An Apple A Day...

A man walks into a bar and asks for rum and coke. The bartender hands him an apple. The man, surprised, takes a bite of the apple and it tastes just like rum.

The bartender says, "Turn it around!" The man takes a bite and says, "Wow, and that's coke!"

Another man walks in and orders gin and tonic. The bartender hands him an apple and tells him to take a bite. The man is surprised to taste tonic. The bartender tells him to flip it around and sure enough he tastes gin.

A third man comes into the bar and the other two guys excitedly tell him about the apples, "You can order anything you want and the bartender will give you an apple that tastes just like it!"

The new guy, not believing a word, says, "Oh yeah? Give me an apple that tastes like pussy." The bartender hands him an apple and the man takes a bite. He immediately spits it out and yells, "That tastes like shit!"

The bartender says, "Turn it around."