He Oughta Be Hit With That Ruler

My wife caught me measuring my dick and snickered: "So how long is it?"

I told her: "Long enough to reach the back of your sister's throat!"

And that's when the fight started...

Out To Lunch

Sign on the whorehouse door: Out to lunch. Beat it.

On The Night Beat

A cop pulls a guy over one night for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow into a breathalyzer. "I can't do that, officer, I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."

"OK, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station." "Can't do that either, officer. I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."

"Alright, we'll take a blood sample." "Can't do that either, officer. I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood, I could die."

"Fine then, just walk this white line." "Can't do that either, officer." "Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

Can You Hear What I'm Seeing?

My wife asked me: "Why do you go out on the balcony every time I start to sing?"

I told her: "I don't want the neighbors to think I'm beating you."

And that's when the fight started...