A married couple goes to the same Italian restaurant every Sunday for 30 years. And every time they show up the owner says, "Hey! Its-a you two guys. You my favorite-a couple. You made-a for each other. You last-a so long. You meant-a to be!"
Then one Sunday the guy walks in alone. The owner says, "Whats-a happened?" The guy tells him, "We got a divorce."
The Italian guy says, "Oh, you much-a better off-a now."
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After two years, the job still sucks.
2 reasons I know I'm getting old. My memory's not as sharp as it once was & my memory's not so good anymore.
I always wanted a pair of real cowboy boots. So I found a pair on sale and wore them home. Walking in the kitchen I asked my wife: "Notice anything different about me?" She looked up and said: "Nope."
So I figured how to fix that. I went into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again I asked her: "Notice anything different now?" This time she slowly looked me up and down, then said: "What's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!"
Now I was really mad so I told her: "You know why it's hanging down. 'Cause it's lookin' at my new boots!" Without missing a beat she said" "Then you shoulda bought a hat."
And that's when the fight started...