A laugh a day. It's not hard. Seriously.

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Dick's Joke of the Day

Same Facts, Different Conclusion

Guy to his friend: "I’m getting married. I’m tired of a messy apartment, dirty dishes & no clothes to wear."

Friend tells him: "I’m getting divorced for the same reasons."

You Meet The Nicest People At A Bar

A guy walks up to a girl in a bar and says, "Hello. I think I'd like to get to know you better. I'm 48 years old, I've been a Congressman for 10 years and I'm honest."

The girl says, "Nice to meet you. I'm 30 years old. I've been a hooker for 15 years and I'm a virgin."

Looking For A Good Deal

A blind guy in Macy's has his seeing-eye dog by the tail and is twirling it over his head.

A salesman walks up and asks: "Can I help you?"

The blind guy replies: "Nah. I'm just looking around."

Picture Perfect

I thought I could please my wife by offering her a sumptuous breakfast in bed. So I asked her what would be her perfect breakfast.

She said: "My perfect breakfast would be a cup of gourmet coffee. Our son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Our daughter is on the cover of Business Week. And your face is on the back of the milk carton."

And that's when the fight started...

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One Night Stand

A man and a woman, who are both married to other people, arrive at a hotel at the same time. The clerk tells them there is only one room left... And after an awkward moment they both agree to share it. Although they feel weird at first, they both manage to fall asleep in their separate beds.

After a few hours of sleeping, the man wakes the woman up and asks her, "Could you grab me another blanket from the closet? I'm really cold."

The woman responds, "Or we could just pretend to be married for the night?"

The man replies, "That would be amazing."

The woman smiles and says, "Okay. Get your own fucking blanket!"

Do What The Doctor Tells You

A woman who was beaten black and blue, goes to the doctor. The doc asks: "What happened?" She tells him: "I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he beats me to a pulp."

The doctor says: "I have the perfect solution for you. Whenever your husband comes home in that state, just grab a glass of iced tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."

Two weeks later she returns and looks reborn and fresh again. "Doc," she says, "That was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with the tea. I gargled and gargled and nothing happened."

The doctor smiled knowingly. "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!"

I Got More Important Things To Do

Joe gets a ticket to the Super Bowl from his company, but when he gets there, the seat is in the last row way back in the corner of the stadium.

Halfway through the first quarter, Joe sees through his binoculars an empty seat ten rows off the field, right on the fifty-yard line. He decides to take a chance, and makes his way around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sits down, Joe says to the guy sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anybody sitting here?"

The guy says, "No."

Joe says, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl and not use it?"

The guy says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't seen together since we got married in 1967."

Joe says, "That's really sad. But couldn't you find anyone to take the seat? A friend, or a close relative?"

The guy says, "No, they're all at the funeral."