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Dick's Joke of the Day

A Farmer's Dilemma

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed after a little quickie. The farmer stroked his wife's bare breasts and said, "Y'know, honey, if these gave milk, we could sell the cow."

Sighing, his wife grabbed her husband's dick and said: "And if this stayed hard a little longer, we could fire the farmhand."

And that's when the fight started...

Sounds Like A Rapper

When I was younger romance was all X's an O's.

Nowadays it's just Exes and Hoes.

Sex Explained

Basically there are 5 kinds of sex:

Smurf Sex - On your honeymoon you keep doing it until you're both blue in the face.

Kitchen Sex - At the beginning of your marriage you'll have sex anytime, anywhere - even in the kitchen.

Bedroom Sex - When you've settled down a bit, maybe have some kids, so you gotta restrict it to the bedroom.

Hallway Sex - You reach the point where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"

Courtroom Sex - Finally, you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of the whole courtroom.

No Guarantees in the After Life

My wife and I were having a discussion about heaven. I told her she shouldn't worry 'cause she'll never get there. She asked: "How can you say that?"

I told her: "Because dragons never fly above 8,000 feet."

And that's when the fight started...

Don't Miss These Jokes!

Is Delivery Included?

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

(With thanks to the great Henny Youngman.)

That Discussion With Your Kid

Two guys were talkin' at the bar. The first one told his buddy: "My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex. Just this morning she asked, 'Is that the best you can do?'"

Mowing The Lawn

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the bike, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.."

And that's when the fight started...