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Dick's Joke of the Day

Ho Ho Ho, Now This Is A Merry Christmas

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay with me?"

Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."

So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

"Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."

She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my d*ck this way!"

Wrong Answer

My girlfriend's dad asked me what I do.

Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.

Where Else?

Two old folks were flirting at a senior's singles mingle. After a few drinks, the old man asks the old woman, "If I took you out for a romantic night of wining, dining and dancing, what would you wear?"

The old woman replied shyly, "Depends... ."

"Depends on what?" he asked. "On my ass -- where else?!"

Like The Back Of My Hand...

We were getting ready in the bathroom together when my wife started putting her deodorant on. Thinking she was being cute she asked: "What's strong enough for a man but made for a woman?"

I told her: "The back of my hand."

And that's when the fight started...

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No Luck At All

I have the worst luck when it comes to scoring with chicks. Last night I got this cute little number back to my place and made my move with, "So you want to have sex?"

She said, "Well, I don't normally do this... but I think I'm gonna pass."

Notes From My Course In Business School

Here is all you need to know about marketing:

You spot a hot chick at a party. You go up to her and say, "I’m fantastic in bed." That’s called Direct Marketing.

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and you spot a hot chick. Have one of your buddies go up to her, point over to you and say, "He’s fantastic in bed." That’s called Advertising.

You spot a hot chick at a party. You get her phone number, call her up the next day and say, "Hi, I’m fantastic in bed." We'll call that Telemarketing.

You’re at a party when you spot a hot chick. You get up, straighten your tie, walk over to her and bring her a drink. You compliment her on how she's dressed. Be sure to open the door for her, pick up her purse if she drops it and even offer her a ride later. Then you say to her, "By the way, I’m fantastic in bed." You got it - Public Relations.

Finally, you’re at a party and spot a hot chick. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you’re fantastic in bed." Now that’s Brand Recognition.

Hi. My Name is Dick

I just joined a brand new 13-step treatment program. I'm still on step 1 - becoming an alcoholic.