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Dick's Joke of the Day

Some Things You Never Want To Forget

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman." "What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.

Between his sobs and sniffles, the old guy answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she cooks me my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me the best blow job an old man ever could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love again." He breaks down again crying no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around the old guy. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"

The old man looks up and through his tears he says, "I forgot where I live."

Liqour In The Front

What do you call two lesbians in a closet?

A liqour cabinet.

Who You Calling Little?

Dwarf to doctor: You're pretty busy. You treat dwarfs?

Doc: Yeah but you'll have to be a little patient.

Perception Is Reality

My wife wanted  to convince me of the benefits of marriage. So she argued "You know married men live longer than single men."

I shot back: "That's not true, it only seems longer."

And that's when the fight started....

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Faking It

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"

The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe; she fakes it with Ken.

Things Are Not Always What They Seem To Be

At the Senior Citizens' mixer, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river and the gentleman asks the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?" All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right in the boat. When finished the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and then continued on down the river when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?" There she went again, stripped off and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the old gentleman so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and so here they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river and the gentleman asks, "Well, do you want to go up or down?" The woman replied, "Down." A little puzzled, the gentleman drove the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asks the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?" She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asks, "What's the deal? Every time yesterday that I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing." She replied, "Well, yesterday I didn't have my hearing aid in and I thought you said 'fuck or drown'!"

I Got More Important Things To Do

Joe gets a ticket to the Super Bowl from his company, but when he gets there, the seat is in the last row way back in the corner of the stadium.

Halfway through the first quarter, Joe sees through his binoculars an empty seat ten rows off the field, right on the fifty-yard line. He decides to take a chance, and makes his way around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sits down, Joe says to the guy sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anybody sitting here?"

The guy says, "No."

Joe says, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl and not use it?"

The guy says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't seen together since we got married in 1967."

Joe says, "That's really sad. But couldn't you find anyone to take the seat? A friend, or a close relative?"

The guy says, "No, they're all at the funeral."