Don't Drink And Drive

Dick's Advice: Best way to avoid an alcohol-related accident? Get so fucked up you can't find your car.

More Reliable Than A Pulse

How do you know if your wife's dead?

You stick your dick in her mouth and she doesn't turn her head.

Not That Kind Of Table

Just booked a table for me and the wife for Valentine's Day.

Hope the bitch knows how to play snooker.

Never Too Old To Learn

Lying in bed watching TV with the wife I kept switching back and forth between a fishing channel and a porn channel.

So my wife grabbed the remote and barked: "For Christ's sake, leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish."

And that's when the fight started...