Little Johnny was in the kitchen playing with his toy train while his dad was cooking dinner. Johnny stops the train at the station and says, "All of you bastards who want to get off, you're here, so get the fuck off. And you dirt bags waiting to board, get your asses on now or we leave without you!"
"Little Johnny!" shouted his father. "I can't believe you are using that kind of language! You should be ashamed of yourself! Go to your room and don't come back until you have thought about what you've done!"
So Little Johnny goes to his room and about an hour later he returns. Once again he starts playing with his toy train, only this time when he comes to the stop at the station he says, "All of you fine ladies and gentlemen who want to get off, you've arrived at your destination, you may now exit the train. And all of you nice people who are are waiting to get on, welcome aboard! As for anyone who has a problem with the one hour delay, take it up with the asshole in the kitchen!"
Three Texans are sitting on a bench together. One named Smith, one named Johnson, and the other one named Goldberg. Smith begins to brag about how much land he has, "500 acres with 1000 head of cattle I call it 'Smith Acres'"
Johnson says, "Yeah, not bad, but I have 1000 acres and 2000 head of cattle, I call it 'Johnson Estates'". Both Smith and Johnson look over at Goldberg and say, "So, how much land do you have?"
Goldberg says, "Well, I only have 75 acres." "75 acres!?!" they reply, "that's all? What that's called?"
Goldberg responds, "Downtown Houston".
My wife wanted to convince me of the benefits of marriage. So she argued "You know married men live longer than single men."
I shot back: "That's not true, it only seems longer."
And that's when the fight started....