A cop pulls a guy over. He tells him: "You've got expired plates, your inspection is overdue, you're not wearing a seatbelt and you've got an open can of beer in your hand!"
The guy says: "I'll see you tomorrow then." The cop shoots back: "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
The guy snaps: "Hang on a minute pal, I'm on the phone here."
Three girls died and went before the pearly gates where St. Peter and his angel stopped them. St. Peter said: "Before entering heaven you must answer a simple question - have you been a good girl?"
The first girl replied: "Oh yes. I was a virgin before I got married and was still a virgin even after I got married." "Very good", said St.Peter, "Angel, give this girl... the golden key"
The second girl answered: "Oh, quite good. I was a virgin before I got married but not after." "Also very good", said St.Peter, "Angel, for this girl give her the silver key"
Finally St. Peter turns to the third girl and asks: "Have you been a good girl?" She answered: "Oh no, not at all. I practically screwed every guy I met, before, and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime, any position.
"Hmmm... I see", said St.Peter, "Angel, give this girl my room key!"
What's even better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics?
Not being a retard.
After dinner last night my wife looked at me with those eyes of hers and sweetly asked: "Honey, is it OK if we change positions tonight?" "Sure" I replied.
"Great" She said, "You do the dishes and I'll go sit on the couch and fart!"
And that's when the fight started...