Dead Or Live?

A guy is interviewing a blonde for a job.

He says, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

She says, "The living one."

This Is What I Call It

If nuts on a wall are walnuts and nuts on a chest are chestnuts, what are nuts on a chin?

A blowjob.

Can You Even Say This Anymore?

What's even better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics?

Not being a retard.

And When You Die...

My wife and I were having our usual back and forth when I finally got frustrated and told her: "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever"

"Yeah?" she replied. " Well, when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"

And that's when the fight started...