What do you call a guy who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you the flavor?
A smartass!
A man goes to a $10 hooker and gets the crabs.
When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight?
A power failure.
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She wasn't happy with what she saw, so she said: "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
I told her: "Your eyesight's damn near perfect!"
And that's when the fight started...
