What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
Your wife will always blow your bonus!
My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
(With thanks to the great Henny Youngman.)
A drunk calls the police, and says, "They stole my dashboard, they stole my steering wheel, they stole my brake pedal, they even stole my gas pedal..."
Then, before the cops can ask where he is, he says, "Hey, never mind, I'm in the back seat."
Did you hear about the junkie that was addicted to brake fluid?
He said he could stop anytime.
