Guy bought his wife a new coat and a dildo. Figured if she didn't like the coat, she could go fuck herself.
Bartender to pirate: Why the paper towel sticking out of your hat?
Pirate: Arrgh, Got a bounty on me head.
Husband: "What would you like for your anniversary, Sylvia?"
Wife: "A divorce, Bernie."
Husband: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
And that's when the fight started...
Hallmark Card fail:
"My tire was thumping, I thought it was flat. Looked underneath and noticed your cat."