Go F*ck Yourself

Guy bought his wife a new coat and a dildo. Figured if she didn't like the coat, she could go fuck herself.

Bartender to pirate: Why the paper towel sticking out of your hat?

Pirate: Arrgh, Got a bounty on me head.

Husband: "What would you like for your anniversary, Sylvia?"

Wife: "A divorce, Bernie."

Husband: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

And that's when the fight started...

Hallmark Card fail:

"My tire was thumping, I thought it was flat. Looked underneath and noticed your cat."