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Dick's Joke of the Day

Outside The Clinic

What's worse than getting your keys stuck inside your car when you're parked outside an abortion clinic?

Going in to ask if you can borrow a coat hanger.

My Name Is Mud

A big, fat farmer is walking down a dirt road in the rain with his big, fat wife when he suddenly gets horny. He pulls his wife down to the ground, lifts up her dress, and starts fucking her.

After a minute, he says, "Elsie, is it in you, or is it in the mud?" She says, "It's in the mud."

He reaches down, and fiddles around a bit. Then he says, "Now is it in you, or is it in the mud?" She says, "It's in me."

He says, "Put it back in the mud."

One Afternoon With The Girls

One day at lunch her friend remarked: "So... your husband drowned and left you two million dollars. Wow! Two million dollars, and he couldn't even read or write."

"Yeah" the widow replied, "And he couldn't swim either."

Flowers For Valentines Day

My wife called me on Valentines Day and said, "Three of the girls here in the office have just received some flowers for Valentine's Day. They are absolutely gorgeous."

I said, "That's probably why they received flowers."

And that's when the fight started...

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Put Your Foot On The Brake

Did you hear about the junkie that was addicted to brake fluid?

He said he could stop anytime.

A Happy Ending For Thanksgiving

Here's how you can get the kids home for Thanksgiving.

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "The kids will be coming for Thanksgiving and the'll be paying their own way."

May I Ask Who's Calling

A man calls the doctor and is frantic, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor asks.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"