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Dick's Joke of the Day

A Real Knock Out

What do Dracula's girlfriend and a washed up boxer have in common?

They both go down for the count!

In The Doctor's Office

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to see a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.

After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. He asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?” “Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.” “That is right,” said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asked. “Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer.” “Correct,” replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounts his patient and starts having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, “Do you know what I’m doing now?” “Yes,” she said. “You’re getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place!”

Population Problem

World population has become a big problem. Experts say every 4 seconds a woman gives birth to another baby.

Our problem? We have to find this woman and stop her.

Up Or Down?

The other night my wife and I were in bed and I asked her: "Honey, why do you like it so much when you are on top?"

She said: "'Cause all you do is fuck up."

And that's when the fight started...

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Mowing The Lawn

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the bike, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.."

And that's when the fight started...

If I Had Only Known

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter. In his highly aroused state, the young man readily agreed. And so this scenario was repeated every time the couple made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was nothing more than a cute way for her to have a little extra to buy new clothes, etc.

Then one day the wife arrived home around noon to find her husband totally distraught in a drunken state. When she asked what happened he told her he was fired and at his age prospects of getting a new job were slim. They were ruined.

Calmly, she opened the desk drawer and pulled out a bank book showing deposits and interest for 30 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing out the front window toward the shopping mall she said you see our bank out there? She then handed him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and told him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She explained that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, but she had invested all that money for both of them and this was the result.

By this time the husband was even more distraught and started beating his head against the wall. The shocked wife cried, "Honey, what could possibly be so upsetting after hearing all this good news?"

The husband replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"

Don't Give Me No Lip

My wife bought one of those do-it-yourself waxing kits. Really wanting to please me, she asked with a wink: "Should I do the sides and leave a little strip down the middle?"

I told her: "I'd prefer you have no moustache at all."

And that's when the fight started...