A blonde walks up to a salesman and says, "I want to buy this TV."
He says, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
She goes for a complete make-over...she gets a haircut and new hair color, a new outfit, and puts on big sunglasses. She waits a few days and then she walks up to the salesman and says, "I want to buy this TV."
He says, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
She says., "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
He says, "Because that's a microwave."
Bill and Ted, decide they want to go out and get wasted, but after counting all their money, they realise they only have about ten bucks between them. So Ted gets an idea. They head over to a local butcher and Ted tells Bill to wait outside. Ted comes out a few minutes later with a foot long sausage. Bill reminds his buddy they want to get wasted, not eat.
Ted assures him not to worry, "We'll hit a bar and drink them dry. Then, when we're ready to leave, I'll have the sausage in my pants, and you start sucking on it. They won't even think about asking for money." Sure enough, after a bunch of drinks at the first bar, Bill goes down on Ted and the bouncer immediately kicks them out. Ted tells Bill, "See, I told you this would work. Let's hit another." This goes on for 3 more bars.
As they are about to stumble into the next one, Bill turns to Ted and says, "Hey... Can I have the sausage this time? My neck is killing me." Ted replies, "What sausage? I got hungry 2 bars back."
A guy goes into a bank for a business loan.
The bank manager says, "What kind of business do you want to start?"
The guy says, "I have some black powder. You sprinkle it on pussy and it makes it taste like a peach."
The bank manager says, "I'm afraid we're not interested."
A few months later the guy walks into the bank pushing a wheel barrel full of money.
The bank manager says, "I see that idea for black powder really paid off."
The guy says, "Nah, that didn't go anywhere. I made my money with this white powder."
The bank manager says, "What does it do?"
The guy says, "Give me a peach and I'll show you."
My wife was angry. She said: "It's unfair! A guy can screw a different girl every week and he's considered a stud. But if a girl screws even two guys in a year she's called a slut."
So I man-splained it to her: "Think of it this way. If a key opens lots of locks it's a master key. But if a lock is opened by lots of keys... well... it's a shitty lock."
And that's when the fight started...