A guy's in his car with a girl and says, "How about a hand job?"
She says, "What do I have to do?"
He says, "Remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it? Just do that."
She grabs it and does it. A few minutes later, he starts screaming. She says, "What's wrong?"
He says, "Take your fucking thumb off the end."
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the grocer and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper back then, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy you’re talking about."
Guy vists a doctor and tells him: Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass Of Home.'" The doctor says, "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." The patient asks: "Is that common?"
The doctor says, "It's not unusual."
My wife was telling me all about this new transgender thing... you know, where guys turn themselves into women. I said to her: "Yeah. Well that ain't nothin' You know how to turn a fox into an elephant?"
She said: "How?" I told her: "Marry it."
And that's when the fight started...