The 10th grade biology teacher asked Jessica: "What part of the human body increases to 10 times it's normal size when excited?" Jessica responded: "I'm too embarrassed to answer!"
So the teacher asked Little Johnny who quickly said: "That's easy...the pupil of the eye." "That's correct, Johnny. Very good!"
And then turning back to Jessica, the teacher said: "I have three things to say to you, young lady... first, you didn't do your homework; second, you have a dirty mind; and third, you're in for a big disappointment!"
A guy gets a text from his neighbor, "I'm really sorry Harry. I've been saddled with so much guilt that I have to confess. I've been tapping your wife day and night when you're not home. In fact, probably a lot more than you. I don't get it at home, but that's no excuse. I just can't deal with the guilt any more ... I hope you'll accept my apology and my promise that it won't happen again."
Furious, the guy grabs his gun, storms into his wife's bedroom and shoots her dead.
A few minutes later, he gets another text: "Fucking auto-correct. I meant wifi, not wife."
My wife and I were having our usual back and forth when I finally got frustrated and told her: "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever"
"Yeah?" she replied. " Well, when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"
And that's when the fight started...