Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
What actress would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
One who knows how to fix elevators.
A wife woke up in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house, and heard sobbing from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found her husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing. "Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much. "Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant? And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?" "Yes, of course," she replied.
"Well, I would have been released tonight."
And that's when the fight started...