A laugh a day. It's not hard. Seriously.

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Dick's Joke of the Day

My Last Gig

You know old Dick tries to stay pretty busy. Last week I did a benefit for the "Tempura House"... that's a shelter for lightly battered women.

Some Extra Cash

A hooker visits her doctor and asks him to put a hole in her hip.

The doc asks, "Why?"

The hooker tells him, "So I can do a little work on the side."

Never Stopped Talking

A guy says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”

The friend asks, “Why not?”

The guy tells him, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”

A Dream Shattered

My wife came out of the shower, winked at me and said, "I shaved my pussy! You know what that means?"

I said, "Yeah the fucking drain is clogged again."

And that's when the fight started...

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May I Ask Who's Calling

A man calls the doctor and is frantic, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor asks.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

Can't Try It On First

A guy goes into a drug store to buy some condoms. The girl behind the counter asks, “What size?” He says, “I don’t know.” She hold up one finger and asks, “That big?” He says, “Bigger.” She holds up three fingers and asks, “That big?” He says, “Smaller.” She holds up two fingers and he says, “Yeah, that’s it.”

She sticks the two fingers in her mouth and says, “Medium.”

Going Around Town

Got home to find a man in bed with my wife. "Who said you could sleep with my wife?"

He said, "Everybody."