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Dick's Joke of the Day

Mental Health

I turned my whole life around.

I used to be depressed and miserable. Now I'm miserable and depressed.

No Prescription Necessary

A lady walked into a pharmacy and asked: "Do you have Viagra?" The pharmacist answered: "Sure." She then asked: "Does it work?" and his reply was: "Definitely!"

Finally whe wanted to know: "Can you get it over the counter?" and he told her "I can if I take two!"

White Parts Anyone?

How's a sun-tanned girl like a roast chicken?

The white parts are the best.

Sex Tape

My wife wanted to be a little adventurous. She told me she was up for making a sex tape.

I said, "Great, we should hold auditions for your part."

And that's when the fight started...

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Politics Explained

Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it to you this way. I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you The People. The nanny, well, let's consider her The Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it all makes sense to you."

So Little Johnny goes off to bed thinking about what his Dad has told him. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room to find his diapers are badly soiled. So Johnny goes to his parents’ room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He finally gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, Johnny says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand exactly what politics is."

"Good son, tell me in your own words what you've learned."

Little Johnny replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

A Matter of Timing

I know I've been married too long. Last week I went to the doctor. He asked: "Have you had sex in the last seven days?" And I said: "No, my birthday's in April."

Who's That Lady...

What's the definition of a lady?

Someone who doesn't drink or smoke, and the only time she curses is when your dick slips out.