A laugh a day. It's not hard. Seriously.

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Dick's Joke of the Day

Pinocchio's Complaint

Pinnochio tells his Dad that whenever he has sex with a girl, she complains about the splinters. His father gives him a piece of sand paper and tells him to rub his dick with it before sex and it should solve the problem.

A few days later, his father asks: "How are things going with the girls?" Pinocchio tells him: "Girls... who needs girls?"

By Definition

What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?

Full.

A Lucky Valentines Day

Last year, on Valentine's Day, my fiancée of five years bought me a lottery ticket and I won $10 Million!!

I wonder what she's doing nowadays?

Remembering Our Vows

It was our anniversary and I asked my wife if she remembered out wedding vows when the minister said "for better or worse?"

She said: "Yeah... You couldn't do any better and I couldn't do any worse."

And that's when the fight started...

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Just Normal Porn Star Behavior

How do you know when a male porn star is at the gas station?

Right before the gas stops pumping he pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the car.

And The Moral of the Story Is...

One day the teacher asked the class to think of a story that has a moral that the class could learn something from. Little Suzy raised her hand to go first. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs in a basket, then put it in the back of the truck to drive to town and sell. One Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and landed on the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched." Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

Next up was Little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, but he could only grab a case of beer, a machine gun and his survival knife. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. He end up landing right in the middle of 100 enemy soldiers. So he pulled out his machine gun and managed to shoot 60 of them until he ran out of ammo! Then he pulled out his survival knife and killed 30 more. But the blade snapped off, so he had to kill the last ten with his bare hands."

The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. "Well," Little Johnny replied, "Don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

Sage Advice

Grandpa always told me don’t watch your money watch your health. So one day, while I'm watching my health, someone stole my money.

It was grandpa.