I just bought the latest sleep-number smart bed. It detects when you're screwing your wife, locks the front door and turns on the stereo so your neighbors can't hear you. My number is 69.
You know why every woman doesn't go to heaven?
If they all went, it would be hell.
My wife suggested: "Let’s go out and have some fun tonight!"
So I told her: "Sure... but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on."
And that's when the fight started...