Two drunks are about to leave the bar at closing time when one says: "Man I hate getting home at this hour. All I want to do is crawl into bed and crash. But the old lady is waitin' up and won't stop raggin' on me for stayin' out late and comin' home drunk."
His friend tells him: "I found the perfect solution. Instead of tryin' to sneak in I slam the front door and scream out 'Wake up honey I wanna fuck!' When I do that she always pretends to be asleep!"
A man went to the police station looking for a chance to question the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sargent.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
My son gets behind the wheel of the car to take his first driving lesson. As mom gets in the passenger side he rolls down the window and asks: "Does this car have passenger side air bags?"
I said, "It does now."
And that's when the fight started...