What is the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste. Ewww...
A woman at the Pearly Gates asks St. Peter, "Is my husband here? My name is Johnson." St. Peter says, "Well, that's not enough information."
She says, "OK... his name is Dick Johnson and he told me that after he died, if I was ever unfaithful, he'd roll over in his grave."
St. Peter says, "Oh .. you mean Pinwheel Johnson!"
I asked my wife if we should get a pet for around the house.
She said she already has all the pets she needs: A mink in the closet, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in bed, and a jackass to pay for everything.
And that's when the fight started...