A laugh a day. It's not hard. Seriously.

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Dick's Joke of the Day

Ding Dong

The bell rings at a whorehouse.

The madam answers the door and finds a guy with no arms and no legs. She looks at him and says: "What'ya think you're gonna do in here?"

He says: "Hey... I rang the bell, didn't I?"

On The High Seas

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his dick. The bartender looks at him and says: "Hey matey, do you know you have a steering wheel attached to your dick?"

The pirate replies: "Arrrgh... and it's driving me nuts!"

We Have A Runner

Why did the woman cross the road?

Never mind that, what the fuck is she doing out of the kitchen?

A True Wonderment!

I saw my wife bought one of those new Wonder Bras.

Goofing around I told her: "You know why they call it the Wonder Bra? When you take it off you wonder where your tits went."

And that's when the fight started...

Don't Miss These Jokes!

Golf Lessons

A woman goes to the golf pro to take some lessons. Apparently she has a terrible drive and can't help slicing or hooking every shot. The pro watches her for a while then tells her: "Your problem is that you are gripping the club too tight. You need to grip the shaft it a little more gently. Try gripping the club just like you grip your husband at night under the sheets."

Bam. The next shot is straight down the fairway... but only about 15 yards.

The pro says: "Not bad... now... take the club out of your mouth and let's go for distance."

Clever Move

A rabbi and a priest get into a bad car accident. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Look at our cars...there's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God." The priest says, "I agree, this must be a sign from God."

The rabbi says, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, yet this bottle of Manischewitz wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune," and he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.

The priest says, "Aren't you having any?"

The rabbi says, "No, I think I'll just wait for the police."

Love That New iWatch errr Apple Watch

A Marine fighter pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks down at his new Apple Watch. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No,” he replies, “I just got this state-of-the-art Apple Watch, and I was just testing it.”

Intrigued, the woman inquires, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?” The pilot says, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”

Now she's really interested, so she says, “What’s it telling you now?” "Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.” The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!”

The fighter pilot looks down again, taps his watch a couple of times then smiles and says, “Darnn! This thing’s an hour fast.” And that, my friends...Is confidence!