Who's the world's greatest athlete?
The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.
Why is psychoanalysis faster for men than women?
When he has to go back to his childhood he's already there.
I took my wife to a restaurant, and the waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah" I told him, "she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started...