A cop pulls a guy over. He tells him: "You've got expired plates, your inspection is overdue, you're not wearing a seatbelt and you've got an open can of beer in your hand!"
The guy says: "I'll see you tomorrow then." The cop shoots back: "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
The guy snaps: "Hang on a minute pal, I'm on the phone here."
When do you know you've been married too long?
The only reason you go down on it is because it doesn't talk back.
A doctor examining a little old man tells him, "You're suffering from exhaustion. How often do you have sex?"
The old guy says, "Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday."
The doc says, "Well, that could be the problem. Maybe you should try eliminating Wednesdays."
The old guy replies, "I can't, Doc. That's the only night I go home."
My wife wanted to be a little playful, so she whispered: "Say dirty things to me!"
So I said: "Bathroom, kitchen, living room..."
And that's when the fight started...