Makes You Want To Take An Uber

What is the difference between a New York City taxi and an elephant?

The elephant has the trunk in the front and the asshole in the back.

Off-Label Usage

Nursing homes now give Viagra to the old guys living there.

Keeps them from rolling out of bed.

Is There An App For That?

My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I told him, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!"

Then I unplugged his life support.

Cause We're Trading Places

After dinner last night my wife looked at me with those eyes of hers and sweetly asked: "Honey, is it OK if we change positions tonight?" "Sure" I replied.

"Great" She said, "You do the dishes and I'll go sit on the couch and fart!"

And that's when the fight started...