A man comes home from his job at the pickle factory and tells his wife he was fired. She asks him what happened and he tells her "I got fired for putting my dick in the pickle slicer."
His wife replies "On no! Are you okay?"
The man says "Yeah I'm fine."
His wife replies "You're not hurt? Was the slicer turned on?"
The man says "Oh yeah, she loved it."
A wife went on a retreat for work. When she returned home, she found a pair of panties in her dresser that did not belong to her. Furious, she questioned her husband. The husband said, "I have no idea where they came from I don't do the laundry!" So, the wife went to the maid and questioned her.
Indignant, the maid replied, "Madam, how should I know? These panties don't belong to me. I don't even wear panties... just ask your husband!"
What do lesbians cook for dinner?
They don't cook... they eat out.
My wife kinda had second thoughts about the first sex video I had talked her into making, so she said she wanted it back.
I said, "OK, but you'll have to pay twenty bucks, just like everybody else."
And that's when the fight started...