Don't Do This

What do you get when you cross a computer with a prostitute?

A fucking know-it-all.

Better Than An Apple Watch

A man calls his wife into the bedroom. "I want to show you the new watch I got today."

She walks in and finds him with his pants down. "That's not a watch!" she says.

"It will be once you put two hands and a face on it."

Can You Even Say This Anymore?

What's even better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics?

Not being a retard.

A Winning Idea

I asked my wife what she'd do if I won the lottery. She told me she'd take half and leave me.

So I told her: "Great! I won 10 bucks on a scratch-off this morning. Here's your five, now get the fuck out."

And that's when the fight started...