A laugh a day. It's not hard. Seriously.

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Dick's Joke of the Day

Salesman Of The Month

Guy goes to a cocktail party but doesn't realize his fly is open.

At the party he spots a real pretty gal across the room and decides to try his luck. He walks up and they start chatting when the gal glances down and sees his open fly. Hoping to be discreet she casually asks: "Did you lock up your business before you got here tonight?" The guy says, "Sure."

After a few more minutes of small talk the gal tries again: "Are you sure the store is locked up?" The guy says, "Absolutely..." still not realizing what she meant.

As he walks away a few minutes later he realizes his fly is open and fixes the problem. Later that evening he spots the gal again, only this time he is prepared. He walks up behind her and taps her on the shoulder. As she turns around he smiles at her and asks: "Remember earlier when you noticed my store was open? Tell me... was my best salesman in or out?"

An Incident In The Waiting Room

An old man walked into a doctor's office to find a crowded waiting room. When he approached the front desk the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, how may we help you?"

"There's something wrong with my penis," he said out loud.

The receptionist became irritated and admonished the old guy, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say such things in that fashion."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he answered.

"Because" replied the receptionist. "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of strangers. You should have been more delicate and said somehting like 'there's something wrong with my ear.' Then you could have discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

"Ah... I see." said the old man. Then he proceeded to walk out of the office. waited several minutes and returned. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked "Yes?"

This time the old man stated "There's something wrong with my ear". The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the old man replied!!!

Let There Be Light

How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb?

Ten. 1 holds the bulb & 9 drink till the room spins.

Rub-A-Dub-Dub

The other night I was having sex with my wife when my cell phone rang. I answered it and said: "Can I call you back? I'm in the tub."

And that's when the fight started...

Don't Miss These Jokes!

The Father, The Son, And ? ....

Little Johnny is walking along and a priest is coming the other way.
Johnny says, "Hey, mister, why are you wearin' your collar backwards?"
The priest says, "Because I'm a father."
Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, my old man's got three kids and he don't wear his collar backwards."
The priest says, "You don't understand, son. I have thousands of children."
Johnny says, "You should wear your fuckin' trousers backwards!"

Another Vocabulary Lesson

Teacher to the class: "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

So Little Johnny raises his hand: "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

The Teacher said looked puzzled but answered: "Of course not Johnny."

To which Little Johnny answered: "Then I have definitely crapped my pants."

Ahh... The Good Old Days

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.

The first lady recalled shopping at the grocer and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper back then, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy you’re talking about."