In The Spirit of Giving

The local United Way discovers that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. So a local volunteer calls him and says, "Even though your annual income is well over a million dollars, our research shows you've never made a donation to our organization. Would you like to give back to the community through The United Way?"

The lawyer says, "First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?" The rep says, "No."

The lawyer says, "Second, did your research show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?" The rep says, "No."

The lawyer says, "And finally, did your research show that my sister's husband died in a terrible car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?" The rep says, "I had no idea."

So the lawyer says: "Think about it. If I wouldn't give to any of them, why the hell would I give to you!"

The Long And The Short Of It

Three guys are arguing about who has the longest dick, and they decide the only way to find out once and for all is to go to the Observation Deck of the Empire State Building and hang them over the side.

The first guy says, "Check it out. My pecker reaches down to the 68th floor." The second guy says, "That's nothing. This beauty's dangling down past the 34th floor."

They look over and see the third guy jumping up and down and back and forth. The first guy yells at him, "What the hell are you doing?" He says, "Dodgin' traffic."

That's Why They Name Hurricanes After Women

How is a woman like a hurricane?

When they come, they're loud and wet, and when they leave, they take your house and car.

Cause We're Trading Places

After dinner last night my wife looked at me with those eyes of hers and sweetly asked: "Honey, is it OK if we change positions tonight?" "Sure" I replied.

"Great" She said, "You do the dishes and I'll go sit on the couch and fart!"

And that's when the fight started...