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Dick's Joke of the Day

Staff Knows Better Than The Boss

One day the boss calls in the vice-president. "We're downsizing. We have to lay off either Jack or Barbara."

The VP tells him, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I'm not sure what to do."

The next morning the VP is waiting and Barbara is the first to arrive. He tells her, "Barbara, I've got a problem. I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?"

Barbara quickly responds, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

You Can't Unread This One

What is the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste. Ewww...

Do You Have Cats At Home?

What's white, smells, and is found in panties?

Clitty litter.

(Yes, in my old age my jokes just get worse and worse. Take it, or leave it!)

The Happiest Man In The World

My wife and I were lying in bed last night. She gently leaned over and whispered: "I'm going to make you the happiest man in the world."

So I leaned over and whispered back: "I'm going to miss you."

And that's when the fight started...

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From Down Under

A 40-year old woman never married because she only wanted a man who had never been with a woman sexually. And as you might imagine she searched for years but never could find one. So she finally tried one of those International dating sites and sure enough met a man who had lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. After a long-distance online courtship, they finally decided to marry.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare herself for the long awaited moment. When she walks back into the bedroom she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, totally naked, and he has all the furniture piled in one corner. "What happened?" she asks.

"I’ve never been with a woman," he tells her. "But if it’s anything like fucking a kangaroo I’m gonna need all the room I can get!"

Time For The Wife To Get A New Job

What's the difference between your wife and your job?

After two years, the job still sucks.

Should Have Become A Gynecologist

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?

A wet nose.