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Don't Ask

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My wife was curious. She asked: "When do married men stop jerking off?"

I told her: "When they get divorced."

And that's when the fight started...

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Don't Forget To Flush!

What's in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?

The captain's log.

Add That To The List

A cop pulls a guy over. He tells him: "You've got expired plates, your inspection is overdue, you're not wearing a seatbelt and you've got an open can of beer in your hand!"

The guy says: "I'll see you tomorrow then." The cop shoots back: "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

The guy snaps: "Hang on a minute pal, I'm on the phone here."

If I Had Only Known

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter. In his highly aroused state, the young man readily agreed. And so this scenario was repeated every time the couple made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was nothing more than a cute way for her to have a little extra to buy new clothes, etc.

Then one day the wife arrived home around noon to find her husband totally distraught in a drunken state. When she asked what happened he told her he was fired and at his age prospects of getting a new job were slim. They were ruined.

Calmly, she opened the desk drawer and pulled out a bank book showing deposits and interest for 30 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing out the front window toward the shopping mall she said you see our bank out there? She then handed him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and told him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She explained that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, but she had invested all that money for both of them and this was the result.

By this time the husband was even more distraught and started beating his head against the wall. The shocked wife cried, "Honey, what could possibly be so upsetting after hearing all this good news?"

The husband replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"