If a guy opens the car door for his wife you can be sure of 1 thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
Why was the nearsighted fly starving?
He couldn't see shit.
Girl texts: "If you're sleeping, send your dreams ... if you're laughing, send your smile."
Boyfriend texts back: "Taking a shit... Please advise."
What's the smartest thing that ever came out of a woman's mouth?