What's the difference between a pickpocket and a Peeping Tom? A pickpocket snatches watches.
An old guy visits a doctor. The doctor examines him and then sits down in the office for a consultation on his diagnosis.
"Well..." the doctor begins, "I'm sorry to have to tell you this... but you have cancer and you have Alzheimers."
The old guy looks at the doctor for a moment then says: "Thank god I don't have cancer."
Why was the nearsighted fly starving?
He couldn't see shit.
Wife: "Will you love me when I'm old and fat?"
Husband: "I do."
And that's when the fight started...
